BREAKING WIND FOR THE TWINS

In the most severe baseball scandal since, um, last Tuesday, a former superintendent at the Metrodome admitted to adjusting the ventilation system in the late innings of close ballgames to help the Minnesota Twins by allowing their baseballs to carry farther. "He'd start the fans and he thought it'd help," said a man named--this blog is not making this up--Virgil Ophus. "He did it when he felt like doing it." Now, despite the fact that seemingly everyone involved in the Major League Baseball association is a criminal, look on the bright side: Virgil Ophus would make a great name for a rock band.